December 1, 2008

Today I learned: that I can stay exceedingly angry for a very very long time.

And of course it's always the little things that break the camel's back, to mix my metaphors.

I haven't been in this kind of rage in quite some time, I had forgotten how good it feels to be angry. Warm and powerful, deep in my guts. I know when I'm done with my anger intoxificaiton, the resulting hangover of regret for the cruel things I have said will be bad.

But right now, oh goddamn does it feel good!

November 25, 2008

Today I learned that my depression is probably the one thing that can stop me dead in my tracks.

All I feel is pain, and it encompases my entire being so that nothing can get done. Why is it

I can deal with physical pain like a champ, but emotional pain knocks me for a loop every time?

 

Hopefully today is rock bottom, but I don't think so. These false rock-bottoms seem to be

piling up at least one a week. I wanted to talk with a teammate, one of my more level-headed ones,

and express my feelings but she was called into work. A good and a bad thing... as I really had

to force myself to reach out to someone in my abyss.

 

I hate my depression just a scosh more than I hate my jobless state. I did have an interview

for a permanent position last friday. But haven't heard back... and they said they'd call on

Monday those they wanted to see again. Oh well, at least I looked cute in my suit.

 

Surviving on freelance ain't easy. And its a huge blow to my self-esteem as all I wanted

when I was younger, was a brilliant career. And look where I am now.

 

I am thankful that I only have to worry about myself, but sometimes I really want that external

validationy type hug that, "everything will be OK" from another person can bring. I've always thought

it weak in the past, depending on others, however believing the contrary hasn't worked out

so good for me.

 

Another FGO: Fucking Growth Opportunity.

 

 

9/29/08

Today I learned: how not to post this bloody thing in hindi!

And that keeping my insane exercise schedule when sick will result in me being unable to function outside of bed for at least two days.

Plus, "Wide Lawns & Narrow Minds" is posting a great story about how she met her husband. Gave me the 'le sighs' but I know I am way too... solitary and irritable* to ever pull a story like that off IRL.

*Best I could come up with. First word choice was, 'whatever'. Lemme tell you trying to cope with my new found former fat girl rages at men, women, soceity etc, is a task. Derby, ain't even helping it.

9/18/09 b

Also, to borrow a phrase from Penthouse Letters, "I never thought this would happen to me"

but I miss my corporate whore clothes terribly! I hope one of my resumes turns up something

soon because I find I'm dying to wear my business clothes again!

 

After all, you can't have Wonder Woman without your Diana Prince!

9/18/08

Today I learned: that for some reason when I type in the blog the text is coming up in Hindi characters.

 

And if Tom of Finland ever did come out with a women's sports clothing line, I would SO be the target market!!

9/12/08... Ver. 2.0

Tonight I learned: Not only is it a major ego stroke to get carded for cigarettes* at my advanced age, but it's also a HUGE mind fuck when the cashier at the Circle K doesn't quite believe your ID is your ID because you've lost 120 pounds or so since it was taken.

I think I need to make a trip to the MVD (DMV for non-Arizona folks)

*I am in the process of quitting. Forever.
I have not had a cig in 27 hours thanks to Target's version of Nicorette.
Sue me I caved!

9/12/08

This morning I learned: Drinking a Coke Zero at midnight is really a bad idea if you have to get up early in the morning. But dammit they are sooo delicious!

Also, I do not like scrimmaging when we use the big orange pylon cones as the square bottoms stick out and trip us up. Lots of rink rash last night. I hate the sound of skin sliding on floor more than nails on the chalks board.

9/8/08

Today I learned: Real life is always a helluva lot more bizarre than what I could ever make up.

Imagine a real estate office housed in a dilapidated building, the steps are caked in dog hair. Thanks to the office's two extremly loud dogs, a Pomeranian and Jack Russel in cages. The office assistant is not only one of the thinnest people I've ever seen but I think he's a Sikh... if Sikh's wear red turbans. I'm not certain of this. He was a very nice man, as was the office owner. So honestly, what's a little barking and dog hair?

Plus, "You must get this all the time, but you know who you look like?"
"No, who?"
"That lady on Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey."
"I have never heard that before."
"Really?!"

For the record I have been told (many many many extra lb's ago) that I look like: Riki Lake and Jerry Garcia's Daughter... the 'fat one'.

Never Tina Fey. I guess things, and not extra lb's, are looking up!

9/3/09

Today I learned: doing an hour of yoga topped off with 40 minutes of running at the gym will not prevent me from swearing at the printer, and the computer when they're acting up. If they were kids I could just beat the sense into them. But they're not

 

Bill Gates should invent a smackable PC in his retirement. Then again, with the 'success' of Vista, maybe not!

8/31/08

Today I learned: what I had thought was my intellectual search to discover why so many authors feel they can 'play around' with the traditional (Brahm Stoker) rules of vamiprism is really my own hero-worship of my alter-twin...

...and that when I feel I have been slighted in terms of men and women, 'giving me dirty looks/ looking at me funny' I exhibit stereotypical narcissistic rage.

And I'd like to have a Welsh Cardigan Corgi... the kind with the tail.

8-30-08

Today I learned: Losing my dream job will result in my spirit, drive, dreams and heart being as battered, beaten and bruised as if I went 30 rounds with a titanium boxing gloves wearin' Mike Tyson tag teamed with Leon Sphinx, resulting in my nearly bursting into tears, not once but several times, while awaiting for my car to be fixed.

I also learned that I like run-on sentences.