November 25, 2008

Today I learned that my depression is probably the one thing that can stop me dead in my tracks.

All I feel is pain, and it encompases my entire being so that nothing can get done. Why is it

I can deal with physical pain like a champ, but emotional pain knocks me for a loop every time?

 

Hopefully today is rock bottom, but I don't think so. These false rock-bottoms seem to be

piling up at least one a week. I wanted to talk with a teammate, one of my more level-headed ones,

and express my feelings but she was called into work. A good and a bad thing... as I really had

to force myself to reach out to someone in my abyss.

 

I hate my depression just a scosh more than I hate my jobless state. I did have an interview

for a permanent position last friday. But haven't heard back... and they said they'd call on

Monday those they wanted to see again. Oh well, at least I looked cute in my suit.

 

Surviving on freelance ain't easy. And its a huge blow to my self-esteem as all I wanted

when I was younger, was a brilliant career. And look where I am now.

 

I am thankful that I only have to worry about myself, but sometimes I really want that external

validationy type hug that, "everything will be OK" from another person can bring. I've always thought

it weak in the past, depending on others, however believing the contrary hasn't worked out

so good for me.

 

Another FGO: Fucking Growth Opportunity.